


How To Be A Human Being

by orphan_account



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Enemies to Friends, One Shot, Other, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-22
Updated: 2019-11-22
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:01:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21523381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: After the failed attempt to bring about armageddon, Heaven and Hell send Gabriel and Beelzebub to Earth to keep an eye on things. This story follows their attempts to blend in to human life while bumping into each other along the way.
Relationships: Beelzebub & Gabriel (Good Omens)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 15





	How To Be A Human Being

It was a calm and pleasant Sunday afternoon. It was around two o'clock. Church goers had just gotten out of their weekly mass, families strolled through parks while their children splashed through the puddles of freshly melted snow and the sun shone down on their heads. A few birds - back early from their migration - sang in the trees overhead. If the day was a color, it would be a warm, lemony yellow. 

Beelzebub; Prince Of Hell, Lord of The Flies, and Ruler of All Things Dark and Menacing; looked about as pleasant to be around as a pile of garbage. They sat hunched over on a park bench, flies buzzing around them like the white bits in a snow globe. They wore their usual black suit, with all the pins, medals, and sashes awarded to hell's higher ups. 

Beelzebub was waiting on a businessman they were set to tempt. Since the not-so-apocalypse, they were the one to do hell's leg work up on the surface. Crowley was M.I.A, and everyone was too scared to go looking for him. Someone had to do hell's dirty work, and every demon in hell had voted for Beezlebub. So it was up to the surface with them to secure souls for the underworld. Not as rewarding a job as it sounded. 

From somewhere near by came the disgruntled rumblings of the Archangel Gabriel. Much like his demonic counterpart, he'd been sent to do Heaven's bidding since Aziraphale had gone off the grid. He wasn't to be spoken of beyond the Pearly Gates and was just known as 'The Traitor'. So, with 'The Traitor' gone, who else was going to keep people's faith in a higher power up besides Gabriel himself?

The two of them had spent roughly eight months on Earth. Gabriel had made the appropriate adaptions. He dressed in a business suit, owned a mobile phone, and even ate out at restaurants occassionally to avoid suspicion. Beelzebub, however, was a different story. 

"I already told you," Gabriel said into his phone, "It's simply not possible for me to make a donation to your church at the moment. I've already completed my quota of miracles." A pause. "No, that isn't a joke. Look, I'd be delighted to help, if only I could. I-" He swatted at a fly that bumped into his face. "Stupid earthly creatures. No - not you, Father Mortimer! Sorry." He continued his walk and talk, quickly becoming irritated by all the bugs getting in his way. One even had the audacity to land on his jacket and he had just about enough. "I have to call you back," He said. He hung up the phone and it disappeared into his pocket. He swatted at another fly. He heard a sound that could almost be considered laughter from behind him and he turned to look. 

Beelzebub was doubled over on the bench, practically in hysterics as Gabriel stood by with his arms crossed. "Hilarious," He said with a sarcastic bite to his voice. Beelzebub only laughed harder. 

"Oh, you're so mad!" Beelzebub grinned and revealed a mouthful of sharp teeth. They pointed an equally sharp nailed finger at him. "You should see the look on your dumb, angelic face!" 

"Don't say that so loud!" Warned Gabriel. "There are humans watching." He furrowed his brow and moved over to the park bench, swatting away flies as he did. "It's a pleasure to see you, Beelzebub. You're looking as hideous as ever." A big fake smile plastered itself on his mouth. The rest of his face was unaffected. 

"Pleasure's all mine, Gabriel. Or are you going by 'Gabe' these days?" 

This wasn't the first time the two opposite powers had seen each other. Eight months was a pretty long time to spend in the place they both despised more than each other. London was small and neither of them were inclined to branch out to other locations. As far as they were concerned, all of Earth was confined to England. So, naturally, a miracle and a temptation could happen to take place in the same park. 

Beelzebub wasn't wrong, either. Gabriel was going by 'Gabe'. The Archangel believed it made him appear more human. It didn't, considering he hadn't thought of a last name.

"'Gabriel' is just fine. Thank you." His saccharine smile fell into a more fitting scowl. "I assume you're still being transparent, Beelzebub."

''It's 'Lord Beelzebub' or nothing." 

"What about sir?" Gabriel asked. 

"Not a sir."

"Ma'am?" 

"Not one of those either." Beelzebub was confused as to why Gabriel was still there, making a poor attempt at banter. Maybe to keep up appearances. It all seemed rather exhausting. 

"Well?" 

"'Well' what?" Beelzebub asked. 

"Why in Heaven's name do you still look like that?" Gabriel had talked to the Duke of Hell a couple of months ago and told them to try and blend in better - to make his job easier, of course. "It seems you didn't take my advice." 

"'Take your advice?' Your head is so far up your own arse, I'm suprised you manage to stand up straight." Gabriel had the gaul to look offended, and Beelzebub spat onto the sidewalk. Much to their own chagrin, they did take Gabriel's advice. 

Gabriel told Beelzebub to blend in and 'get that ridiculous insect off your head'. So that's what Beelzebub did. The fly was gone. Other changes didn't seem necessary at the time. 

"How could you possibly do any tempting like that?" Gabriel asked, recoiling a bit out of disgust. 

"If you came all the way out here to insult me, then--" 

"No. Actually, I want to..." Gabriel could barely choke the words out. "I want to help you. Because, obviously, you need it." 

"Help me?" Beelzebub scoffed and stood up. "Don't think so. Besides, I've got work to do. I suggest you do the same." With that, the Lord shuffled off, leaving a trail of buzzing flies in their wake. 

...

It was another nine and a half months before Beelzebub and Gabriel would run into each other again. In that time, Gabriel had successfully climbed up the ladder of the human hierarchy and became one of Europe's most popular philanthropists. It wasn't his selflessness and compassion that let him rise to the top- it was his money, and he could miracle the funny paper stuff into his wallet with nothing but a thought. That made him well-known, but not well-liked. 

He was attending a charity event, hosted the week after what the humans called 'Thanksgiving', when he noticed a flash of red and black pass by one of the gilded windows. 

The figure was as unmistakable to Gabriel as a fly landing in his untouched flute of Crystál, and it twisted something in his corporation's stomach. Beelzebub was here - to ruin his night, no less. They probably had something evil and demonic planned, and Gabriel wouldn't stand for it. 

As politely as he could manage, Gabriel slipped away from his prior conversation and out into the grand hall. Music from the other room filtered in and echoed around him as he made for the exit. 

Behind the east wing of the building, Beelzebub was perched ungracefully on the low wall of the garden, focused on watching something through the window that was happening inside. Their choppy hair blew around in the cold breeze, but they didn't seem to care. 

When Gabriel walked up and cleared his throat, they jumped. Gabriel frowned. 

"I know what you're up to, demon," He said, no room for false pleasantries. 

"What I'm up to? What about what your friend in there is up to?" Beelzebub hissed, pointing towards the window they were staring into. 

The banquet was being held at the ambassador's private home. All sorts of noblemen and elites alike were invited to attend - granted they could pay the £1,000 entry fee. Why someone with enough money for that would need to steal was beyond both Angel and demon, but sure enough - the president of the UK's national assembly was pocketing a string of the ambassador's pearls from her private bedroom. 

"You're responsible for this!" Gabriel pointed an accusing finger towards Beelzebub and backed away, revolted. 

"Me? No. It's him you should worry about. It's all of them. We could never be as bad as them." Beelzebub was only a bit defensive, but entirely honest. Gabriel could feel it. 

"Th-them?" Gabriel asked. "How do you mean?" 

"I mean that they are the ones corrupting themselves... damning their own souls." This was the most the two of them had ever really spoken. Their conversations since their station on Earth have been carried out through insults or mindless banter. This was different. 

"You didn't do this?" The Archangel pointed to the window that Beelzebub was still watching, though the thief had long since left. 

"Nope. Didn't do none of it."

"Any," Gabriel corrected. 

"Huh?" 

"Nevermind." Gabriel put his arm down by his side and looked around. 

The ambassador's house sat on a lovely hillside, just a bit away from the noisey parts of the city. It was pitch black besides the warm light from the party inside, and the soft glow of the stars emanating from up above. 

Gabriel turned and began walking away from the house. He needed a break from all the humans inside. This was a nice place for it. 

He was suprised - not unpleasantly - to find Beelzebub shambling up behind him, using the light from a hellfire ignited finger to illuminate some of the path. 

"No flies today?" Gabriel broke the silence. 

"Shut up." Beelzebub kept their distance, but came to stand next to Gabriel as they reached the summit of the grassy hill. Down below in the valley were the vague outline of a barn and two silos. Everything was dark. And quiet. And isolated. 

There was a subtle snap, then the ruffling, and finally, settling, of feathers as Gabriel stretched his wings out behind him. He rolled his shoulders and stood up straight, letting some of his primary feathers scrape against the grass. 

Beelzebub took a step back and looked at him, the fire a little brighter now so they could see better. They'd never seen an Angel's wings before - not since The Fall - and they haven't had their's out in millennia. A look of envy crossed Beelzebub's face as they took in the sight of Gabriel's fluffy grey wings. 

"Would you stop staring. It's... weird." Gabriel grimaced and pulled the wing farthest from Beelzebub around his body to check for any feathers that were out of place. There were none. Each immaculately shining feather was in perfect alignment.

"I-I was just... Sorry." Beelzebub seemed genuinely caught off guard. Their face flushed and they snuffed out the fire. There was still enough light for Gabriel to see the outline of Beelzebub's wings as they came into existance. 

"Good God!" Gabriel put a hand over his chest. Even just the shadows of Beelzebub's wings were terrible. Stray feathers stuck up everywhere and flies buzzed around each jagged point. 

Beelzebub waved with flies away, and with them, lots of stringy feathers. They were briefly insulted by Gabriel's exclamation, but just as quickly got over it. Beelzebub hadn't expected their wings to look as nice as the Archangel's upon taking them out for the first time in 6000 years, but they did look horrible. Regardless, Beelzebub stretched them out and sighed. "Oh, that's nice, innit?" They smiled - still all craggy teeth. Their grin only widened when Gabriel took several steps away. 

"How can you stand that?" He asked. 

"Stand what?" 

"You know..." Gabriel gestured around. His pleasantries had come back. "That!"

"Haven't noticed." Beelzebub shrugged softly and looked off into the distance. A few more feathers dropped to the grass underfoot. 

The only sound between the two of them was the whistling of the wind through frosted blades of grass, and the very faint piano music coming from the house down the hill. Three songs started and ended before Gabriel spoke up. "Would you just -- would you let me...?" He looked at Beelzebub like they were supposed to know what the hell he was talking about. 

"Huh?" 

"Would it kill you--" 

"Probably." Beelzebub smiled again. Gabriel didn't see it, but he could feel it. 

"Oh, shut up." There wasn't even a hint of his usual passive aggressive - or normal aggressive - tone in his voice. It suprised both of them to hear it. "Would you let me fix those atrocities you call wings so I don't have to look at them?" Gabriel asked.

Silence fell between them again. Another song started and ended. 

Quietly, "well?" 

"'Well' what?" This moment felt oddly familiar to Gabriel.

"Either fix them or don't. Don't just stand 'round like an idiot." Beelzebub turned their back. "Not that you can help the idiot part, though." 

Gabriel didn't have a witty comeback to dish out, so he tentatively reached a hand out and ran it through a messy clump of feathers. They were softer than they looked. 

Beelzebub tensed, but didn't protest, so he went on.

It took a while - long enough that the two of them ended up sitting down in the grass - but Gabriel managed to make something decent out of Beelzebub's disheveled wings. They almost looked nice - if Gabriel would allow himself to admit it - and considering he only did it for his own sake, he'd say he did a great job. 

He dropped his hands and stood up, brushing himself off. "Well... you don't look like shit now." 

It took Beelzebub a moment to gather themself and stand up. They'd been in sort of a trance the whole time.  
  
"No need to thank me. That only took two hours." Gabriel folded his own wings up and they disappeared into the ether where they'd stay until the next opportunity he got to be alone. "Don't suppose you'll need to return the favor." 

"Wasn't planning on it," Beelzebub said, hiding their own wings as well. They had loved every moment of the last two hours. And they hated that. 

"I should... probably get back to that." Gabriel pointed to the house. Many of the lights had gone out and the music had stopped. Both of them had been too wrapped up to notice. 

"Probably should." Beelzebub lit their index finger on fire again to illuminate the path. "I'll, uh... walk you down." 

"I didn't notice." 

"Huh?" 

"Your wings aren't black, they're red." Gabriel picked a feather up out of the grass. In the light, it was a deep maroon color. In the shadows, it was dark enough to look like a very warm black.

"Yeah. So?" 

"Just... cool." Gabriel snapped and the feathers all dissipated and turned to dust in the wind, blowing over the hill and into the air above the valley below. 

"'Cool'? You're going local. It's disgusting." Beelzebub started off down the hill and back towards the now almost empty house. 

"I am not! Take that back!" Gabriel followed the demon down the hill and tried to keep up. "Beelzebub, you take that back!" He chased them as they laughed. 

... 

The next time Gabriel saw Beelzebub was in a suit shop. 

It was early February. The trees were still leafless and the air was just starting to warm up from the winter chill. Gabriel had left behind his philanthropy act and decided that being a businessman suited him better. He was on his way to become the CEO of some broadcasting company he didn't bother to remember the name of, and through them, he'd spread the word of God. His big interview was next Monday. He had four days to get a suit together and figure out what it was he was supposed to be doing there in the first place besides following Heaven's suggestions. He'd been on Earth long enough to know that saying things like that never turned out well. 

Beelzebub was in a button up shirt, waistcoat, and slacks. A tailor stood beside them and was attempting to take their measurements for a coat, but Beelzebub wasn't having it. 

"Now, Ms. Beelzebub--" 

"It's Lord Beelzebub!" 

"I assure you, the coat you picked out is much too big for you. For a slightly larger price, I can make you one that fits perfectly!" The tailor held up his measuring tape to Beelzebub's back and they swatted it away. 

Gabriel could only stand next to the shirt rack and watch them bicker. Whenever the argument got a little heated, the rack behind the taylor's head seemed to silently rearrange itself in random order, leaving everything out of place. 

Eventually, the two settled down and Beelzebub walked out wearing the oversized coat they'd wanted, as well as the rest of the outfit they'd bought. Gabriel had been so caught up in watching, he barely noticed them leaving. He quickly dashed out of the store and hurried along next to them. 

"You know, this whole 'blending in' thing would go a whole lot smoother if you just looked around you sometimes," Gabriel said. "Nobody dresses like that." He looked over Beelzebub's outfit. Now that he was closer, he could see how odd and mismatched it really was. They had kept their usual trousers - and the God awful fishnet socks - as well as their shoes. Their shirt was a dark red color. It looked nice enough except it was tied up at the bottom where it would normally be tucked in. The waistcoat was left open, and was a different shade of black than the oversized jacket Beelzebub had insisted on. All their insignia was pinned to one of the lapels. 

"Looking for the part where I asked," Beelzebub said. 

"You didn't." 

"And yet..." Beelzebub sighed and looked up at Gabriel. Their face was a lot cleaner beneath their choppy haircut, and it seemed like they'd gotten their teeth straightened out since the last time they talked. "Here you are again. Dont you have some blessings to do?" 

"Not until tonight." 

Beelzebub stopped walking and turned to face the Archangel. "What do you want from me? If you're going to give me style advice, forget it. I'd rather not look like an idiot." They laughed. 

"I do not look like an idiot. This is very professional." 

"Pretentious, more like." 

"At least I don't dress like - like a - I can't even describe that." Gabriel crossed his arms and looked Beelzebub up and down. "Like you had a mix up at the dry cleaners." 

"What's a dry cleaners?" 

"Oh, my god." Gabriel put his face in his hands. "For Heaven's sake. Let me show you where I get my clothes. It's not far away." He was quick to explain. "If you blend in more, the humans will suspect less and that's good for both our sides." 

Beelzebub considered this for a moment, then nodded. "Fine. But make it quick. I've got a temptation at seven." 

...

Gabriel sat quietly under a Gazebo in St. James park, observing. He did this every Sunday, after church. He'd come to the park, observe human life, do the obligatory miracle or two, then go back home. 

This routine helped him understand humans better. He didn't care about them in the slightest, but he had to do his job. Learning about humans was the best way to mimic them. They seemed to care a lot about when the sun rose and set, what the numbers said on their little clocks, and what sort of clouds were in the sky each day. He didn't understand it, but he copied it. 

When he heard footsteps behind him, he turned and put on a fake smile to kindly tell whoever was about to bother him to piss off. When he saw who it was, though, his smile fell. "Oh, it's you." 

Beelzebub stood in the entrance of the gazebo, hands in their pockets. "You look stupid," They said. 

"And you look lovely as ever." Gabriel found it hard to put the usual sarcasm in his voice. Beelzebub looked, for lack of a better word, nice. They had their hair pulled up into a ponytail, and they dressed in a black and white striped shirt and jeans. It was summer now. Most humans were dressed similarly. It occurred to Gabriel that he'd never seen Beelzebub's face without their shaggy hair obscuring it, and it had a weird effect on him. He couldn't stop looking at the curve of their jaw, the slight upturn of their nose, and the freckles on their cheeks that came to replace the yellowish splotches and blemishes that were usually there. 

"Was supposed to meet a bloke here. Corrupt his soul, sell him to the devil. He never showed." Beelzebub huffed. "You?" 

"Oh. Just observing." Gabriel looked away. "Human behavioral patterns." 

"Boring, innit?" 

"Yes. Very boring." Gabriel found himself smiling genuinely. His eyes crinkled up a little and he even laughed without the cold and bitter undertones his voice usually had. He felt very strange today, indeed. 

Beelzebub rolled their eyes. "Let's get out of here. You can tell me all about what you 'observe' here at that cafe across the street." 

"I prefer not to eat anything unless I have to. To keep up appearances." Gabriel stood up anyway, and was already leaving the gazebo with Beelzebub on his tail. 

"Me neither. Let's go anyway." 

"Oh, you're tempting me, aren't you? That's what this is." 

When Beelzebub bridged the space between them by reaching out and taking his hand, Gabriel knew he was going to grow to love his time on Earth, and that it was never as insufferable a place as he originally thought it to be.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I have a few more shorts written in this universe I may be posting later on this week :) if you liked it, let me know! Thanks for reading!


End file.
